Dearest Miranda,
Thanks for asking me to be your Maid of Honor.. Or.. Thanks for staying quiet when I assumed that that was my roll long before you were ever engaged... I appreciate that.
Thanks for being understanding that I have exactly two (2) pictures from your wedding luncheon. They are pictured below, just for your documentation and satisfaction.
The first being the menu from the luncheon. You know how I love good food. And the second of the cute butter thingies. You know how I love butter!
My kids. They looked cute that day. My husband was a total fox, and my hair did not disappoint on that frantic morning. You and Ryan were about as ideal as a bride and groom come...
But I needed to save my phone battery for the important things ya know. Food and Butter.
What I also want to say is this..
Should the day come that you are contemplating a speech at your sister's wedding, (which. I guess won't happen seeing as how I am your only sister, and someone will have to pry my cold dead hand's from Ryan's leg before the day ever comes that we separate for any reason)
(stay with me).
What I am trying to say is. Write down what you want to say. Listen to that voice that keeps telling you to write it down. For hell's sake! Write it down! Because this is what's going to happen..
When you get up in front of a large beautiful room of people that you do not know, but really want to impress, your legs will go numb, your eyes will go kind of squinty in that awkward way, your lips will suddenly tense up and barely be able to stretch over your teeth. Kind of like you just walked through the sahara to reach that microphone.. You'll feel very thirsty and shaky and you won't be able to swallow. Not being able to swallow is practically the worst thing that can happen when in front of a beautiful room full of strangers. When you can't swallow nothing else in the world matters, and it takes a great deal of concentration to make yourself swallow. It really forces you to analyze why your body is failing you in such a simple, and extremely important situation, which makes you forget what you are going to say. You will wonder if anyone can see the spanx through your too fitted of a tank top, and if your Aunt Mona was right when suggesting that the waist band of your skirt belongs in the middle of your waist instead of lower down on your hips.. And you'll want to point out that your bright orange shoes may not match the subtle tangerine skirt, but that it does indeed match the the elastic part of your waist band. And you'll remember how proud you are that you figured out that the waist band and the shoes were the very same color early on, and that you could cross shoes off of your list of "crap to buy for Miranda's wedding." Then you will remember how you and Miranda bought those shoes at the Old Navy on the day of her bridal photos while shopping for earrings, and how they were only $4.00! And this will make your heart leap at such a bargain, because that's just neat. And then, and then, and then you will really wish that you had used that teeth bleach you had purchased a month earlier, while crossing off "crap to buy for Miranda's wedding." You know. Because your dry lips are stuck over the top of your teeth like a beaver, and all people can see are your teeth, and possibly your bright orange shoes.. You'll start to wonder why you are so dumb and why you spent 30 dollars on that teeth bleach in the first place when your best friends husband is a dentist, and you could have gotten some high quality teeth bleach from her for free and used those pricey bleach trays you had made for your own wedding. And while the topic of your own wedding, you'll be reminded that you didn't have a photographer there because you were trying to pinch a few pennies. Then you will look at your husband to give him the stink eye because that was his idea! But then you will see your husband looking at you with some emotion in his eyes.. And you will start to wonder why.. Because he isn't often emotional.. So then you will look all around the room and see that a few of the other people you know have watery eyes.. But you will be so confused as to why.. Then you will start to feel confused and fuzzy. And you will realize that you are talking. And have been this entire time. And then you will come so close to saying "in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen, that you almost pass out. Which is actually the weirdest part of all because the only place you have actually said that sentence is in the privacy of your own room at nights..... You will frantically throw the microphone that you have apparently been holding and stumble back to your seat, wondering what in the freaking heck your mouth was saying while your mind and body were taking a quick trip, well, I don't know where, but DEFINITELY were not present at the microphone, inside of the Redford center, in Sundance Utah at your sisters wedding luncheon!!
That's for dang sure!!
So. Now that I'm back. And my my mind and body as as one, this is what I meant to say:
Ps. My nose is stinging and tears are already in my eyes.
Hi! My name is April. I'm Miranda's sister. (small cute curtsy) I'm her only sibling. (possibly one more curtsy) Which puts a lot of pressure on me right now to produce a really good speech. All of these cute Parson people are a tough act to follow. But this is what I have to say.. I am Miranda's toughest critic, her sounding board, her keeper of chaos, and her very biggest fan. (Now I'm crying. for real. right now I am. At my house. Not Sundance) And she is the same of all of those things to me. We haven't always been close having over 8 years between us. I was mean to her growing up. She talked baby talk for way to long, and the amount of time she spent organizing her Polly Pockets in that meticulous tackle box was always way beyond me.
I moved out of the house when Miranda was 10. So, our relationship was at kind of a stand still for a lot of years. When she entered her teen years, and started having boy drama, and mom drama, and friend drama, I was in my 20's and well versed in life and things of SUCH an important nature. I was always usually happy to see her spoiled little cell phone number calling me, and knowing that when I answered I would hear a hysterical SSSSIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSYYYYY!!!!! on the other end of the line. Followed by some sobbing, some sniffling, and a string of sentences that were usually hard to make out.. I wasn't really on her "shoot the breeze" list of people to call. Just the EMERGENCY CONTACT! Which I have to say, I am a dang good emergency contact. My amount of emotional support and wisdom is endless. *Really. I mean, not to brag... But it is what it is, and.(Im not sure I would have bragged about myself during the speech.. but I am on my blog. Clear?) * I was always happy to calm her down and help her sort out her problems. After that, we just got closer and closer.
Now a days, I am not kidding when I say that Miranda is my sister wife. Those Colorado Cityians are smarter than we all know!! (pause for laughter) I am so sad to have her move out of my house. She is always so helpful with my house and my kids. She can walk in from a long day at school, take one look at my face, and my eyes and just KNOW! She knows that Tatum needs to be to cheer in less than 5 minutes, and that there are soggy spaghetti noodles in the boiling pot on the stove. That Jack needs his stinky butt changed, and that it's bath time for Sienna. She will remember that I had to take both kids to the doctor that day, and that there are likely prescriptions that need picked up before the pharmacy closes. She will notice that I had started making sugar cookies for neighbor thank you gifts earlier that morning, and obviously that task had been long since abandoned....And that Ryan will be home in 30 minutes, and its nobodies favorite thing when he comes home to a house in such conditions.... In the split second that it takes her to to see all of that, a plan is formulated, and she kicks me out of the house to get Tatum to cheer and grab my prescriptions. Its nothing short of a miracle when I come home to cooked dinner, bathed kids, frosted cookies (wrapped on individual plates) and the refreshing smell of pine sol? mopped floors? I mean. It's incredible.. I have a wonderful husband and all... But ONLY another woman who knows you, your house, and your kids well could pull off such a task. And Miranda has done that for me time and again. She is an assassin when given a task and faced with a challenge. She is sweet. She is kind. And often times really funny. But lets be honest, i really won more of those genes. (pause for laughter) She is thoughtful beyond measure and loves to surprise people with her crafty talents, and thoughtful gift giving skill. I'm sure glad we are so far apart in age, because a sister could have a hard time being happy for a sister with talent, a waist, and hair like hers if they were in high school together!
(Then ill look at Ryan) (But not for to long because that will make him nervous, and could become awkward) She's a real good egg this little Mir, and Ryan, you are very lucky to have her. She's understanding, non judgemental, and a little hard headed. But her soft heart, and compassionate nature will see you through any challenges her hard head may produce. So just give her a minute when that happens. She will come around 100 percent of the time.. But. You are here as her brand spankin new husband.. So. You already know and appreciate all of these qualities, which makes me love you. Thank YOU for understanding and embracing our relationship. When you told Ashley, while answering your "Newlywed Game" questions, for her bachelorette party game, that the one thing that Miranda couldn't live without was ME.. Well. I cant even think about that without crying. I guessed the answer to that question was her phone. Or Sienna. You are the sweetest guy ever, and I am so glad that my little Mir was so lucky as to find you and your adorable family. She is such a hopeless romantic, and has envisioned a big jolly family that is silly, shares inside jokes, travels, and is a little nutty together! I suspect she has found that and then some in you guys!! She's been looking for exactly all of you, and I am so happy that you found each other!! Really and truly!
Ry. We may not be quite so put together as you Parsons, but we will love and protect you fiercely. We will support everything you do, every step of your journey together. And you will always feel really normal around us crazies.. So that's good news?!
In closing.
Take good care of each other. Listen. Be kind. Be understanding. Always put each other first, and talk to each other with nice words, and nice tones, even (and especially!!) when you would rather throw shoes at each other. Continue with the thoughtful actions that you have shown through your courtship, and come to my house sometimes to do nice things for me..
I love my mom and dad. Amen.
PS. That just took me 3/4 of a day. No wonder my brain failed me when I tried to produce that on a whim. I forgive you body.
And. I love you Mr. and Mrs. Parsons. You two and your wedding was the most beautiful one I have ever seen.
Devyn. Taylor. Don't either of you think of putting me through this again anytime soon! :)
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