Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Slow death via toddler...

 If you have a death wish
here are a few suggestions on how to hurry along the process..

You need a wild toddler
you HAVE to be 23 1/2 months pregnant.
Like an elephant.
A BIG elephant

After that
You sign them up for a Mommy and Me gymnastics class..
that's easy whilst the size of an elephant.

 Whatever you do!
Don't paint your toe nails.
Or trim them!!!
Because Death Via Toddler does not require such silly things..
 Oh teeny Miss Mikayla..
You make getting down there teaching killer toddler cartwheels look so easy....
You need to make sure to jump back to a standing position EXTRA fast!!
Otherwise said toddler will be in the foam pit before you can say bobsyouruncle.
 Fast little toddler legs
 Fast toddler tramp jumping!
 Block wading..
Now that is super fun 
when 23 months pregnant
 Car seat screaming, aaannndddd...
Eyeshadow? Found in his car seat? And all over his hands and car seat..
Don't ask...

Then all within 24 hours of each other be sure to enjoy:

A trip to the ER due to a scratched off cherry angioma that squirted blood everywhere! for 3 hours.  The ER trip doesn't count as part of your death wish unless your toddler screams so violently as soon as you step foot in the door that he literally makes every single person there concerned for his well being.. Not to mention concern for your parenting skills. 
And it takes 5 (F-I-V-E) people to hold him down to cauterize the angioma. 
He weighs 26 pounds for blasted sake.
Followed by:
  • Pants Off, Diaper Off, Poop On, Poop everywhere.
  • Poop in the bathtub while attempting to get poop off.
  • Bathtub toys scrubbed and bleached due to poop
  • Bath tub toys put into toilet after being bleached
  • 2 day old couches colored on with pen
  • and peed on..the corner no less..
  • Bedroom door colored on
  • Tatum's walls colored on
  • Clue pieces in fish tank
  • Markers in fish tank
  • Puke all over highchair due to the VERY SIGHT of a cheese tortilla
  • Puke all over Steph's couch (Stephs fault.  To many sour watermelons)

So..then.. You should get out of the house..
Slow death is no fun inside..

Try a new park..
Feed the ducks by that cute park you have driven by 50 times.

Great idea!
OH of course!!
There isn't one playground in the whole state of Utah with sand.
Except for this one.
Elephants love sand..

 And then.
You should nature walk..
And make sure to find the steepest hills you can find.
And make sure that you are on a pebbly path so that your wild toddler 
can make you BEND your pregnant keester over to closely examine all of them.

 And just when you are on the verge of death,
you should for sure go swimming!
This should seal the deal..

Because that's all a manic mother, 
on the verge of death, birth, and a nervous breakdown needs
Is a nice dip in the pee filled pool.

Because logic says
"water will slow him down, you will be able to keep up with him"
Oh duh.
Water will slow you down too.
Stupid elephant.

And then.
After an impressive, epic meltdown at the departure of the pool
you need to get head butted twice,
kicked in the stomach 3 times
and have15 contractions.
 About that time 
you will know that death is just around the corner.

And you will think..
Bring it on!! I am done anyways.

Because I am sore, and exhausted, and frustrated.
And then
you just go to bed and wait for it to happen..

But oh wait..
It doesn't.
You still wake up in the morning alive and well..
And your hips wont hurt.
Your cup of patience will be refilled.

And then you will go to your doctors appointment.

After which, you will go home
 and giggle with him as he runs to you and throws his fat little arms around your neck.
You will scoop him up and bury your head in his neck.
Because you love how that special little crack smells like syrup and baby lotion,
And then you will start to cry.. 
Really hard.
Because your doctor just informed you that you are 
2.5 centimeters, and 50 percent of a thinned cervix 
closer to having another baby.

That means your time with this sweet little  monster is about to change forever and ever.
 And while that is SO exciting.
It is so sad.
Our days alone (daddy at work, tatum at school) are almost over..
They have been so short lived.
It is really sad.
Bittersweet I should say..
JackJack is too tiny to be a big brother
But I am sure he is going to love it!

So, no matter how stinky, gross, frustrating, painful, or irritating our time together can be,
I love it all so much, and I am going to miss him, and miss us. 
Miss now.

And let's be honest
How in the freak am I going to manage all of that

I guess that's when I will really know about 
death via toddler huh?



  1. Omg. I laughed out loud quite a bit during this post. You are hilarious- thank you. I have NO idea how you are able to keep up with an energetic toddler while being 23 mos pregnant! You are crazy (and/or superwoman. I'm going with superwoman).

    I loved reading all of this :)

  2. Oh my hell April you are amazing and so hilarious!!! :D LOL You will do fine with another little one. No worries you got this! If you can handle all that you have just described then it will be cake. And also two always entertain each other so it will eventually be easier. The pics are so precious and I totally know exactly what you mean when you say how much you will miss all of this time with Jack Jack you will love and cherish every single minute of the new baby too. Good luck with everything and you have a ton of loved ones and friends that are here for you so if you have those days where you think you are going to die I say use one of us!!! : ) ((hugs)) Miss ya girly!

  3. I loved reading this, you are so hilarious!! You are such a great mommy!!

  4. This was quite possibly the funniest thing I have read in a long time!! HILARIOUS! Jack Jack is so cute! And I can't wait to meet EVERJOSIEDREW ;)


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