When life changed.

I suffer from Postpartum Psychosis.

Its the only explanation.

Ive had it since the day I held Tatum in my arms.

It has never gone away.

Only intensified with each baby that Ive held.

People promised me that as I had more kids things would get better..

But they haven't.

Not even for a moment.

Only..

My psychosis is in the form of exhausting worry, love, and concern.

I know I'm not the only one

 but I do know that I am a little more crippled, and neurotic about it than some mothers.

I constantly get crap for it....

I obey car seat laws, (!DUH!)

I write down dosages, and times that they were given. (!HELLO!)

I note colors of poop, and their frequency. (!IMPORTANT!)

Naps and bedtimes are essential to my children's well being.. So they are essential to me. (!!)

I can count on one hand how many times Ive had a baby sitter outside of family since Tatum was born.

And I do not live near family. (!YOU'VE SEEN THOSE AU PAIR SPECIALS!!)

I read children psychology books, (! OUR KIDS ARE THE FUTURE! DON'T MESS THEM UP!!)

Four wheelers, sledding, skiing, snowboarding, roller skating,  (!!PARALYSIS!)

Long boarding (!HELL NO!!)

Fishing, camping, beaches, lakes, rivers, canals, diving boards, flips off the side of the pool!!!
 (DROWNING! FOR SURE DROWNING)

And don't even THINK about giving Sienna a bottle of formula that is more than one hour old

(IT SAYS SO ON THE CAN!!!)

You get the picture..

I am a disaster, almost all of the time. 

I never relax about the safety of my kids.

Please know.
I don't pretend to assume that this ups my parental status. ..
Probably lowers it actually. 
Believe me when I say,
I have several very big parental items that need some serious attention..

But anyways..

Oprah's "Worst day of my life" episode haunts me on a daily basis..

It was about teensy little mistakes that turned into life changing disasters..

The lady who didn't lock her door when she went for a morning run, and her ex husband came in and killed all of her kids.

She always locked her door..

Another lady picked up her 5 children from school/daycare and was taking them to dinner.

First she had to run the family pet bird into their apartment that her oldest had taken for show and tell.

All of her kids were seat belted or car seated in..

One of the children somehow found a book of matches on the seat next to them.

She was gone in her house for less than 2 minutes and her entire van went up in flames.

All of the kids were seat belted.. They couldn't get out..

The oldest one that survived detailed the memories of the little ones screaming as he tried to help un latch them.

She didn't smoke.. She has no idea where the matches came from.

One lady lived in a small small town, she ran into a gas station to get her 4 year old a bottle of water.

She left her car running, and an escaped convict from a town far away jumped into her car.

She opened the back door and tried to pull her child out, but his foot ended up tangled in the seat belt..

She watched her little boy get dragged to death as the man drove off..

I mean. 

Come on.

I couldn't deal with that.

Not that anybody could..

But I think the craziest things all day long.

I cannot cruise through an intersection without making sure that the cars coming the opposite direction are totally stopped..
The thought of someone T boning my car into one of my kids doors crosses my mind every single time.

When I pass diesels i floor it so as to avoid being side swiped.

I wonder if the person who is hovering dangerously close to my side of the traffic line has fallen asleep.

If the person driving the Sara Lee bread truck is suicidal and going to just hit me head on to end his misery..

....... crickets.....

Look.

These are the inter workings of my soul and head.

It's hard work being me.

I would imagine it's really hard to be one of my kids..

and near impossible to be my husband. 

If my kids would let me I would chew their food for them first..

I constantly check door and window locks.

I buckle shopping cart, and high chair straps.

I check expiration dates on everything.

I remind Ryan on a daily basis..

that popcorn is the number on choking hazard for kids

the hot dogs are the number one choking hazards for kids

the grapes are the number one choking hazards for kids!

Don't make Jack laugh while he's eating!

Bananas are the number one choking hazard for kids!!!!!
(shh..he doesn't need to know anything otherwise)

No letting kids sit on your lap and drive through the neighborhood.. What if someone backs out of their driveway and bumps your truck?! The air bag will deploy and kill our child!!

No letting the kids ride in the back of the truck!  Are you crazy!!

I am currently researching dairy, and soy, and the risks associated with both.

Processed foods!!! 

Sugar!!!

WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE OF CANCER!!

I CAN'T BREATH! CANT SWALLOW!! NEED AIR!!

How to eliminate these items from our home seems like an impossible feat, but I am determined to do it one of these days!! 

Alrighty then..

So you get the idea.

I do all I can to prevent the death of my kids.

But there is one thing that scares me even more..

The death of me.

I could not survive the death of one of my children, I know I couldn't.

I read blogs of people that have lost children.

Jack's Mom

or

Atticus's Mom

I pray from them every night. 

I ache for them as if they were my sisters.

Because..
Well.

They are.
Us moms.
 We are in this thing together.

Us women.
 Really.

But so

as much I could never handle losing a child, the thought of them losing me haunts me just the same..
I would rather take the pain of that on myself..
than have my kids go through the continual pain of what their life would be without me.

I can't believe I just wrote that.
I know that sounds twisted.
I guess that's all the same, because IF i were to lose a child, I would be all but a shell anyways..
But.
A thought of my kids being raised without the details of life and love that I provide for them makes me so sad.
I talked a little about this when my dear friend
Heather Jo
passed away.
She had time to prepare, so she asked for people to have certain roles in their lives.
She recorded messages, and wrote letters.
She left little gifts for her children so they could have details of herself in their lives even though she wouldn't be there....

That was so awful.
But I know what peace it gave her.
That every gem of preparation that she created would be the most precious jewel throughout her babies entire lives.

So, I have decided that is what I am going to do...
Ya know.
JUST IN CASE I AM THE ONE WHO GETS T BONED AT A STOP LIGHT!!
From now on this blog.
This blog that I love to look back on.
This blog that I wish i was better with.
It is going to be a chronicle of my life.
My life with my kids
My life as a girl
as a woman
a wife
a friend..

And mostly a total lunatic.
But all the same.
It's to my children to look back on together one day.
Hopefully all together.
But..
Just in case we are one day
 not all together
to look back on all the same.

Together.
(seemed like it fit there)

So.. Wish me luck.
I hope I that having this reason that haunts me every single day,
will help me to stay committed to this little blog of mine.